Now wha this tale o’ truth shall read
Ilk man and mother’s son tak heed
Whene’er to drink ye are inclined
Ye’d better leave your car behind
Or if ye’ve given in to booze
Ye’d better mind your P’s and Q’s.
This truth found honest Tam McClyve
As hame frae market he did drive
His wife beside him in the cab
Had been to Dr John McNab
Wha told her……….but of that mair later
Let’s back to Tam the drunken cratur.
They had but gane a mile or two
When the polis caur wi’polis crew
Gart Tam slip oot o’ his Land Rover
To spier gin he were drunk or sober.
The sergeant chiel cried oot “Aye Tam
Your rear light’s hardly worth a damn.
To following caurs it’s a tantaliser
So just blaw up this breathalyser.”
“By gosh” he cried in consternation
“Ye’ve turned it green, come to the station.”
The sergeant then drew Tammas near
And whispered coyly in his ear
Tam turned first puce, then red then crotal
And cried “What’s that? Into a bottle!
I’ve never heard the like
Why can’t I dae’t ahent a dyke?”
Now here, ‘er Tam took apoplexy
His wife a cute wee thing ca’d Lexy
Jamp oot and cotel the Sergeant’s arm
An’ said “Inspector what’s the harm
If ye’re police car gangs on ahead
And I’ll tak Tam to whaur ye said.”
The officer to flattery open
And even perhaps to secret hoping
That, very soon the Law’s lang arms
Might sample Tam’s wife’s tender charms.
Gave grudgingly a dour assent
On strict condition that she went
Ahead of him, “I want to see
Ye dinna stop at every tree.
If Tam arrives, upon my word!
Wi’oot his fluid I’ll hae his blood”.
Imagine then this green Land Rover
Tam sitting there quite half seas over
And Lexy ‘hint the steering wheel
Briefing her loving husband weel.
“I’ve still got some of yon wee sample
I took tae the clinic, it’s mair nor ample
Just hide this bottle on yer person
And when that Sergeant Jock McPherson
Asks ye to do what ye’ve to do
Just mak a noise like “You know who”
Intae that bottle Tam my beauty
And mak them think ye’ve done yer duty”.
The deed was done. The Sergeant said
“Awa’ hame Tam and gang tae bed
O’ the result ye’ll be advised
As soon the stuff’s been analysed”.
Next morning then P.C. Glen
Approaching Tam’s wee but and ben
“I’ve gey bad news to gie ye Tam
Ye’d better pour us both a dram”.
“I wasna’ drunk” cried Tam indignant
“It’s waur nor that” says Glen
“Ye’re pregnant”.