The Minister's Tale

 By Exile

 (With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of a 1950’s Minister
Devout, crusading, preaching, praying, ecclesiastic character
Sartorially resplendent, dressed in black, I look quite sinister,
I am the very model of a 1950’s Minister

Don’t call me Pastor, Father, Priest, for that resembles Popery
We don’t like Baptists, Mormons, Jews, not part of our philosophy,
And Catholics we are pleased to say are well in the minority
Thank God for Presbyterianism and Scottish Christianity

For parish needs and Godly deeds, I’m truly indispensable,
For Christenings, weddings, funerals, blessings, totally dependable
I’m heaven sent, benevolent, I’m righteous, ecumenical
For Stanley’s full of sinners and I’m the perfect evangelical

 I spiritually give guidance to the pure in heart to procreate
I remonstrate and prevaricate with reprobates who violate
I meditate and contemplate the irreverent who desecrate
And mediate with miscreants who constantly inebriate

I’m positively negative about my flocks morality
Excessive sexuality, indeed outright depravity
Drunkenness, skulduggery, occasionally sodomy
And a case of bestiality somewhere close to Luncarty

And so I fear my cross to bear is weighing heavier every day
I curse the Moderator for appointing me to Stanley
I’d rather be in deepest darkest Africa, a missionary
Than this God forsaken village that will surely be the death of me

 COPYRIGHT – Calluna Publishing 2012