The Minister's Tale

 By Exile

 (With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

I am the very model of a 1950ís Minister
Devout, crusading, preaching, praying, ecclesiastic character
Sartorially resplendent, dressed in black, I look quite sinister,
I am the very model of a 1950ís Minister

Donít call me Pastor, Father, Priest, for that resembles Popery
We donít like Baptists, Mormons, Jews, not part of our philosophy,
And Catholics we are pleased to say are well in the minority
Thank God for Presbyterianism and Scottish Christianity

For parish needs and Godly deeds, Iím truly indispensable,
For Christenings, weddings, funerals, blessings, totally dependable
Iím heaven sent, benevolent, Iím righteous, ecumenical
For Stanleyís full of sinners and Iím the perfect evangelical

 I spiritually give guidance to the pure in heart to procreate
I remonstrate and prevaricate with reprobates who violate
I meditate and contemplate the irreverent who desecrate
And mediate with miscreants who constantly inebriate

Iím positively negative about my flocks morality
Excessive sexuality, indeed outright depravity
Drunkenness, skulduggery, occasionally sodomy
And a case of bestiality somewhere close to Luncarty

And so I fear my cross to bear is weighing heavier every day
I curse the Moderator for appointing me to Stanley
Iíd rather be in deepest darkest Africa, a missionary
Than this God forsaken village that will surely be the death of me

 COPYRIGHT Ė Calluna Publishing 2012