Loo Lament


Isn't a' thing fine an' comfy noo?

 There's even carpets in the loo

Bit sixty 'eer ago an mair

The watteries were sae caul' an'bare!


Nae fancy coloured toilet roll

Nae bonny pot - a timmer hole

Ye'd nae fin' ony carpet here

Some crackit waxcloth on the fleet.


A timmer sheddie six bi fower

Leanin'like the Eiffel Tower

An' cracks - far holwin' win' blew in

The reef a roostie sheet o' tin.


The W.C. - for Water Closet

Ye spent nae time on your deposit

For fegs there was nae comfort there

An' caul' on bits ye hid tae bare.


Foo Water Closet?  That beat me

For ilka een wis dry ye see

The fancy pot a stable pail

I'll nae gang in tae mair detail.


Upon the wa' hung up wi' threed

"The Peoples Freen" wis there tae read

It had been torn up intae squares

So ye just sat there - an' said yer prayers.


The seat wis aften roch an' crackit

A files ye'd fine her hin' eyne hackit

Ye jerkit up yer drawers an' sark

Five meenits - ye were back at wark.


Bit noo-a-days they sit for ages

Hoastin' an turnin' ower the pages

A cosy place tae sit an' smoke

A saft seat - easy on the doke.


I dinna wint auld watteries back

Bit Lord be here, the time they tak

There maun be oors an' oors lost noo

Wi' gaein folk a comfy loo.


(Thanks to Kate Gairns for this)