Tam the Chancer



Now wha this tale o’ truth shall read

Ilk man and mother’s son tak heed

Whene’er to drink ye are inclined

Ye’d better leave your car behind

Or if ye’ve given in to booze

Ye’d better mind your P’s and Q’s.


This truth found honest Tam McClyve

As hame frae market he did drive

His wife beside him in the cab

Had been to Dr John McNab

Wha told her..........but of that mair later

Let’s back to Tam the drunken cratur.


They had but gane a mile or two

When the polis caur wi’polis crew

Gart Tam slip oot o’ his Land Rover

To spier gin he were drunk or sober.

The sergeant chiel cried oot “Aye Tam

Your rear light’s hardly worth a damn.

To following caurs it’s a tantaliser

So just blaw up this breathalyser.”

“By gosh” he cried in consternation

“Ye’ve turned it green, come to the station.”


The sergeant then drew Tammas near

And whispered coyly in his ear

Tam turned first puce, then red then crotal

And cried “What’s that?  Into a bottle!

I’ve never heard the like

Why can’t I dae’t ahent a dyke?”


Now here, ‘er Tam took apoplexy

His wife a cute wee thing ca’d Lexy

Jamp oot and cotel the Sergeant’s arm

An’ said “Inspector what’s the harm

If ye’re police car gangs on ahead

And I’ll tak Tam to whaur ye said.”


The officer to flattery open

And even perhaps to secret hoping

That, very soon the Law’s lang arms

Might sample Tam’s wife’s tender charms.

Gave grudgingly a dour assent

On strict condition that she went

Ahead of him, “I want to see

Ye dinna stop at every tree.

If Tam arrives, upon my word!

Wi’oot his fluid I’ll hae his blood”.


Imagine then this green Land Rover

Tam sitting there quite half seas over

And Lexy ‘hint the steering wheel

Briefing her loving husband weel.

“I’ve still got some of yon wee sample

I took tae the clinic, it’s mair nor ample

Just hide this bottle on yer person

And when that Sergeant Jock McPherson

Asks ye to do what ye’ve to do

Just mak a noise like “You know who”

Intae that bottle Tam my beauty

And mak them think ye’ve done yer duty”.


The deed was done.   The Sergeant said

“Awa’ hame Tam and gang tae bed

O’ the result ye’ll be advised

As soon the stuff’s been analysed”.


Next morning then P.C. Glen

Approaching Tam’s wee but and ben

“I’ve gey bad news to gie ye Tam

Ye’d better pour us both a dram”.

“I wasna’ drunk” cried Tam indignant

“It’s waur nor that” says Glen

“Ye’re pregnant”.