Tam the Chancer
wha this tale o’ truth shall read
man and mother’s son tak heed
to drink ye are inclined
better leave your car behind
if ye’ve given in to booze
better mind your P’s and Q’s.
truth found honest Tam McClyve
hame frae market he did drive
wife beside him in the cab
been to Dr John McNab
told her..........but of that mair later
back to Tam the drunken cratur.
had but gane a mile or two
the polis caur wi’polis crew
Tam slip oot o’ his Land Rover
spier gin he were drunk or sober.
sergeant chiel cried oot “Aye Tam
rear light’s hardly worth a damn.
following caurs it’s a tantaliser
just blaw up this breathalyser.”
gosh” he cried in consternation
turned it green, come to the station.”
sergeant then drew Tammas near
whispered coyly in his ear
turned first puce, then red then crotal
cried “What’s that?
Into a bottle!
never heard the like
can’t I dae’t ahent a dyke?”
here, ‘er Tam took apoplexy
wife a cute wee thing ca’d Lexy
oot and cotel the Sergeant’s arm
said “Inspector what’s the harm
ye’re police car gangs on ahead
I’ll tak Tam to whaur ye said.”
officer to flattery open
even perhaps to secret hoping
very soon the Law’s lang arms
sample Tam’s wife’s tender charms.
grudgingly a dour assent
strict condition that she went
of him, “I want to see
dinna stop at every tree.
Tam arrives, upon my word!
his fluid I’ll hae his blood”.
then this green Land Rover
sitting there quite half seas over
Lexy ‘hint the steering wheel
her loving husband weel.
still got some of yon wee sample
took tae the clinic, it’s mair nor ample
hide this bottle on yer person
when that Sergeant Jock McPherson
ye to do what ye’ve to do
mak a noise like “You know who”
that bottle Tam my beauty
mak them think ye’ve done yer duty”.
deed was done.
The Sergeant said
hame Tam and gang tae bed
the result ye’ll be advised
soon the stuff’s been analysed”.
morning then P.C. Glen
Tam’s wee but and ben
gey bad news to gie ye Tam
better pour us both a dram”.
wasna’ drunk” cried Tam indignant
waur nor that” says Glen